"Father, my dear old dog is dead.  Would you please say a  mass for the
creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your
dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in
the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate
for the service?" Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic!"

********************************************

  One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
  the kitchen sink.  She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands
  of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

  She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs
  white, mom?"

  Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
  me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
  "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

********************************************
  "A Vet's Second Opinion"

  A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The
  vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on

  the examination table.  The vet examines the still, limp body and after a
  few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
  The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second
  opinion.
  The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat
  down next to the dog's body.  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to
  tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and
  meows.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks
  that your dog is dead too."
  The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  The vet brings
  in a black Labrador.  The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail,
  and
  finally looks at the vet and barks.  The vet looks at the man and says,
  "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
  The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how
  much he owes.
  The vet answers, "$650."
  "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man....
  "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
  diagnosis.  The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
 

********************************************

   Smartest Man In The World

   A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
  afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed
  engine trouble.
   In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down.
   Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they
  had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three
  parachutes remaining.  The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I
  save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
   The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to
  live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.  The priest looked at the
  little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are
  young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and
  live in peace".  The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest
  and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took
  off with my back pack."
 

********************************************
 
 

•  The two most common elements in the universe are
• hydrogen and stupidity.
•  
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
•  
• Deja Moo:  the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
•  
• Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill.
• If you have three friends who are okay, then you are it.
•  
• The trouble with doing something right the first time
• is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
•  
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
• serve as a warning to others.
•  
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
• and make you feel happy to be on your way.
•  
• The average woman would rather have beauty than
• brains, because the average man can see better
• than he can think.
•  
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving
• from where you left them to where you can't find them.
•  
• Law of Probability Dispersal:  whatever it is that hits
• the fan will not be evenly distributed.
•  
• A truly wise man never plays frog with a unicorn.
•  
• Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems.
• It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd
• be paranoid, too.
•  
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
•  

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